word.therapy.

One Day.

When people choose to walk out of our lives, we often try everything we can to make them stay. Allowing & accepting that someone is choosing to live their life without you can be the worst emotional pain you’ll experience. However, if there is one thing I’ve firmly come to believe; it’s that everything works out in the end. 

An end today doesn’t mean it’s the end, forever. People will come back in to your life when you least expect it. Perhaps the type of relationship will be different this time around. Past lovers will become close friends or a friend from your past will spark a new interest inside of you. Some people we have yet to see if they will ever find a place in our lives again. 

Whatever the case may be I know that one day this will all make sense. One day what’s meant to be will be & the confusion will fade. I don’t always know how certain chapters in my life will end but I have faith that a new one is waiting to be written & the best is yet to come. 

When you know exactly where your priorities lie, there is never a question as to what your decision will be.

I’m naturally a very free spirited & impulsive person. I make decisions on a whim & I live in the moment. Living a life of spontaneity is enjoyable & carefree but at the end of the day, I need to have my goals & priorities clearly defined. I love my life today but I don’t want to continue to be stagnant. Every day I want to consciously take one step toward creating the life I’ve chosen for myself. 

Driving on a summer evening.

Summer…hot weather, flirtatious smiles, BBQ’s and sunny days that turn in to warm nights. Amidst my favorite season, memories of you linger in the background. Our summer was full of promise; we were drunk on optimism and high on hope. Driving the back country roads listening to our songs, time stood still. I can still picture the way you looked in my eyes and at that moment realizing I would be forever changed.

That summer our memories were made in vain. Pictures of you & I have long been discarded or packed away in dusty boxes. Feelings I once had, have been buried far & deep in to the back of my mind and heart. Driving past places we used to go, seeing people we used to know, I simply look the other way. I’ve chosen not to feel & I consciously choose to forget that there ever was a you & I.

There are moments though, when I’m driving at dusk on a warm summer evening. With my window down and the wind in my hair, a thought of you will cross my mind. I think back to the good times, to the beginning and wonder what happened to those versions of ourselves we used to know. Before the anger, pain & heart breaking words we shot at each other, there was love. & reluctantly I admit that, the part of you that I came to know, will always be a part of my summer. 

For the majority of my life I’ve always worried more about being polite than being honest. I was raised in a very strict and conservative environment. I was taught to tell people what they wanted to hear instead of how I really felt. No matter what, everything had to be sugar coated and “nice” because heaven forbid, I step on someone’s toes.  

As I’ve gotten older, I’m learning how to embrace & utilize honesty. It really is a breathe of fresh air to speak my mind. I appreciate and value someone who can look me in the eye and tell me the truth. & to be honest, I wish more people did. I tell the truth for a reason. It’s not to be malicious and it’s never to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s to make sure everyone is on the same page and that there’s no confusion. When I tell someone the truth repeatedly and they distort it into what they want to hear, it’s frustrating.  

I don’t speak in code or riddles. There are no hidden meanings. In my world, yes means yes & no means no. I wish more people spoke my language. 

After a semi weird night, I found myself awake at 5 a.m. Sunday morning and went outside to sit on my balcony. There’s a sense of renew first thing in the morning. The sun’s barely starting to peak up above the horizon and the streets are empty. The air feels fresh and untainted. You can’t help but feel hope for what the day could possibly bring.

I always have this feeling that I’m searching for something but I’d never be able to tell you exactly what “it” is. I constantly crave change. When things settle down and life is calm, I become bored and disinterested. I want to move, travel, experience, be FREE. Sometimes I feel confined and I just want to leave.

For now though, these are the moments I enjoy and that keep me grounded. If only for a short period in time, I experience an undisturbed peace to calm the restlessness that never seems to leave me.

Listen.

The last few months have been an experience for me. For lack of a better term, I feel like I have been doing a whole lot of soul searching. I’m not quite sure if it’s the fact that I’m getting older, had to deal with a heavy breakup or me being completely independent for the first time in my life. Most likely, it’s a combination of all three. Living by myself and having a lot of “me” time has opened my eyes. I’ve realized how much of my life I’ve invested and given to other people instead of myself. Maybe that is just what we all go through when we’re younger. We want acceptance from our peers and we do our best to fit in rather than figure out what it is that makes us stand out or just figure ourselves out, period. 

It seems there comes a point in your mid 20’s when we start listening to that inner voice instead of any outer influences. People and things that used to matter, just don’t. Our priorities shift and our standards change. For me, it’s been a a period of clarity. I see the bigger picture of who I am, the potential I have and what I will and will not put up with. Not only do these standards apply to relationships and friendships, but also to myself. 

I’m learning to slow down, think things through, listen and make the right decisions for myself. I’ve become a bit more selfish these days and I don’t apologize for it. I still care for the people in my life that matter, but not at the expense of myself.